the vicious circle

OK, so here's another post about hate mail - it's something that appears to be rearing its ugly head every now and again, the more exposure my film gets. As some people keep telling me "well you should have though of that before you made the film!". Way to help, dicks.

Truth is I didn't think about it, and no I don't mean to take it back. I just wish I had known before it started happening. I've had to start a 'hate mail' folder to archive the rantings of the couple of psychos who've mailed me, and the psychos to come, I guess - standard procedure for the police, etc. I never anticipated this, and it's sad to have to do that.

What's most worrying about this is that for all my personal belief about pacifism and dearly wanting to believe that people are nice unless proven hateful, the fact that I am now a target is turning me into one of them.

I want to hurt them back. I want them to squirm and feel shit like they've made me feel shit. I want them shamed in front of their aunties, I want their friends to call them names. I want to castrate them and put their bits in the waste disposal while they watch. Or maybe not. Maybe a middle ground, like a brazilian wax in front of their aunties, hair by curly hair.

Seriously, I find myself hardening to all and sundry. I catch myself scowling at random people on the street. If someone looks at me funny, I have to fight myself not to go apeshit at them. I'm less tolerant of bad drivers. I feel like being mean.

It doesn't help when people say "oh, but if you let them get to you, they're winning". I mean, how the fuck is that meant to help? Is that meant to make me feel better? Saying something like that basically invalidates what I'm feeling. Yeah yeah, boo hoo me - what are you going to do about it? Fact is, I feel this way, and just saying "oh, well don't" isn't going to make it go away. This whole 'winning' thing is crap as far as I'm concerned - I mean, it's not a competition, is it? What is the competition? Make a random person feel like shit competition? Spread the hate around competition? I wasn't even aware I was playing! Do I get not to play? What does the victor get? I'm not going to win anyway!

So, note to self:
1) get thicker skin
2) live well
3) learn a no-macho-bullshit martial art and get in touch with my inner chi so I can hurt them if I ever meet them (and no, Wing Chun is not the right one, I went to their premises, and it was still macho bullshit).

This 'being above it all' thing is going to take time.

Breakfast:
10ml of cough syrup, and a glass of water.
Verdict:
Sometimes you just don't feel like it. Damn cold. Then I went to my mum's place and had a wonderful home-cooked lunch. Best cure in the world.