meanderings of self-help

Ostensibly, things are going well. But I've had a really unpleasant foreboding feeling for about 2 weeks now. It manifests as an irritability, a grumpiness and over-sensitiveness to things which may or may not be there. Sometimes it's a melancholy more than an anger. I think I hold it responsible for my utter distractibility when I'm supposed to be writing. Or the fact that I don't like what I'm writing, and end up not writing anything at all.

I think I'm increasingly aware of a jadedness that creeps up a few years after the end of film school. There's been a few knock-downs, there's been a few assholes, and you get to this point where everything you do is terrifying. You're terrified of what they might think, you're terrified that you'll fail, you're terrified that even if you do get somewhere, someone will look at what you've made and say "why the hell did they get funding for that stinking heap of crap?".

I attended a screening for a film production club at uni, and I was confronted by an enthusiasm and unconditional love of film that I'd almost forgotten. It was almost an epiphany, seeing all these open, excited faces who didn't seem to care if they made stuff worthy of Ed Wood or Martin Scorsese, so long as they were making film. I mean, it's not as if I know more about this stuff than they do (which I don't), but if there was one thing I was almost jealous of, that I really thought I should learn from them... it was their plain-and-simple, unadulterated, unfettered passion for the whole damn thing. All this crap about doing well, or making something critically acclaimed, whatever self-conscious insecurity I'd wrapped around myself, was just put into stark perspective. I don't think I've ever really lost that idea of passion, or why I'm here in the first place, but sometimes the crap just clouds everything up, and essentially, that crap doesn't matter.

I guess it just comes down to personal conviction. I think I've been letting the opinions of other people influence me too much, and my wanting to please them is just.. well, sad. I think maybe that's always been my problem, I desperately want people to like me, even strangers, and I'm prepared to make myself a fool for their good graces, which ultimately, is unattractive and conducive to them liking me less.

I remember my sister telling me all this dating advice she'd had from friends - 'treat them mean, keep 'em keen, don't call until the 3rd day after' - type shit, and me thinking that it was a stupid game, why wouldn't you just lay your cards on the table and say "here I am. If you don't like it, oh well, nice knowing you"? The difference as I see it: the first technique is about pretending not to care, when in fact you might care a lot, so it's a lot about deception and inscrutability; the second technique is just about being honest. I mean, what is so wrong about someone saying "actually, I know we've only been on one date, but I really like you. I just wanted to say that, and if you don't feel the same, I'm sorry, but I'll learn to live with it"? I think I would find it brave and charming, not to mention fresh and disarming (woops, I didn't mean to rhyme, but there it is). Sure, being rejected might take chunks out of your self-esteem, but I think being direct first-off would save a lot of hard feelings in the future around unreturned calls, 'hints' and the ironic term 'letting them off lightly'.

I think being honest is the hardest, and yet most admirable and healthiest thing to be. I know it sounds easy for me to say when I'm in a stable relationship, but even a stable relationship has its instabilities, and (without wanting to sound smug) being honest hasn't steered us wrong once. Touch wood. I guess I just don't see how avoiding the issue, or ignoring an issue, or calling it an imagined issue can help an issue at all. I mean, even if it is imagined, it's still there, so it doesn't make it less real.

Anyway, I think I digress. Or not. Because I think the goodness of honesty applies to all relationships, romantic or otherwise. I guess I'm a simple soul, I like honesty in other people, and I want to keep it around me. I think I have to keep saying to myself that I can't help what other people think and how they choose to interact with me. With this realisation, I can stop letting it effect me so much. I can find honest people and engage with them. And there's really no point trying to encourage honesty when it's not forthcoming, so I can simply disengage and should stop worrying about it. When and if it comes, goody. Until then, I guess I'll learn to live with it.

Breakfast:
rice with a dried scallop omelette thing my mum made for me to take home yesterday
Verdict:
That's more like it! If I had a lettuce or bean sprouts, I'd have cooked some to have with it...